


sick enough (when will that be?)

by enbylino



Series: projecting onto my faves [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Body Image, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, discussions of recovery, its never explicitly mentioned but jisung has ednos, it’s all in lowercase because i typed this on my phone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbylino/pseuds/enbylino
Summary: jisung plays with the idea of recovery a lot
Series: projecting onto my faves [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951654
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	sick enough (when will that be?)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if you didn’t already read the tags, big trigger warning for eating disorders and disordered behaviour in this fic. there’s also discussion of recovery in an almost negative light? so if you’re currently in recovery for an eating disorder please don’t read if that may trigger you! everyone deserves recovery and i don’t wanna ruin that for anyone, i’m simply just projecting my own thoughts towards myself onto jisung in this fic

he’s not sure when he originally spiralled like this. daily weigh ins in the early morning before everyone woke up, pinching the fat on his stomach, thighs and face and scowling at his reflection.

and fuck the constant bodychecks he kept in his camera roll would make him look narcissistic to anyone without an eye for the disordered behaviour. jisung isn’t sure what he’s doing wrong, maybe he doesn’t count calories as actively as he should, his memory is fucking atrocious as is. but regardless of his efforts to restrict and exercise, the scale doesn’t lie to him, he’s been losing and gaining the same two kilograms for months now.

maybe he just needs to watch more subliminal videos? though he’s doubtful they do much more than act as a placebo. he’s so tired of constantly thinking about food and what he can or can’t eat, when he can eat this food and when he shouldn’t eat that food.

it’s all so fucking exhausting and jisung doesn’t know what to do. he’s been playing with the idea of recovery for a couple weeks, he saw the good it did for felix, the boy genuinely enjoying food again regardless of the mild weight gain.

a bitter, negative part of jisung’s mind cuts through his introspection on recovery. _felix was practically skeletal, anyone could tell he was unhealthy and needed help, but you? you’re still healthy passing, why would you need recovery?_ it hurts him to think this way, but he knows its true.

he’s not sick enough to recover, he’s just a pig with low self control and an affinity for food that makes him want to give up on all his progress. he just wants his friends to look at him and tell him that he needs to eat more.

he _wants_ to look sickly. if he doesn’t end up hospitalised for his eating habits how is he supposed to know that he needs help? how will he know that he deserves it?

 _fuck it._ he thinks. _i’ll try recovery tomorrow._

yet that very next morning the scales numbers glare up at the boy, taunting him.

he decides against recovery. he’ll recover once he’s sick enough. for now, jisung will opt to skip breakfast and have something small for lunch.

and so it continues.

maybe it’s because jisung has no clue as to what recovering from an eating disorder actually entails, because all his brain associates it with is eating more and weight gain, but in a positive way somehow?

and he knows he’d be hopeless at recovering on his own, but he’s never spoken to any of his friends about his eating habits and doesn’t have any clue as to how he would even _begin_ to talk about it with someone else.

like _yes, chan i’ve been unhappy with my appearance and body since the age of 13 and somehow it spiralled into an eating disorder when i grew older. at least i think it’s an eating disorder, i could just have disordered eating habits and a flair for dramatic which would be embarrassing-_

nope. that definitely wouldn’t go down well. but to be completely honest, the main thing stopping him from recovery and seeking help is the viewpoint on eating disorder recovery society has. all the media jisung has consumed about people recovering from eating disorders have been about sickly skinny white girls, he’s never seen a movie or tv show about a borderline underweight man who can barely look himself in the mirror and is obsessed with how much he weighs.

even on social media he sees those god awful recovery posts that get thousands of likes, showing before and after photos of a girl on the brink of death and then that same girl, but healthier looking. jisung hates those posts, all he can think about is how he could ever possibly look as sickeningly thin as the girls in the before of the before and after recovery posts, and it makes him feel terrible.

and half of the fucking health websites he’s been on about eating disorders have referred to it with female pronouns? like not every damn person with an eating disorder uses she/her pronouns. it’s all so humiliatingly invalidating, he hates it.

maybe one day he’ll be sick enough to cave in and tell someone, maybe he’ll lose enough weight that one of his friends will say something.

maybe. but not yet, not when he has yet to even fucking pass out from malnutrition like come on we can do better here.

_will it ever be enough, though?_

~~_no, it won’t._~~ the cycle continues.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)


End file.
